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A Search for Positivity

I am so insanely tired. Not the kinda tired when someone asks how you’re doing and you sort of routinely respond with “good, just tired.” No — I’m actually very exhausted. I feel physically and emotionally spent.

Tonight, I went down a rabbit hole of reading old blog posts about when I was first diagnosed in hopes that I’d gain a little perspective and motivation. Can I just say, “HOLY SHIT. IT’S BEEN A HELL OF A 9 MONTHS.” Honestly feels like forever.

I felt upset again tonight for no real reason at all and I wanted to remind myself how far I’ve come and all I’ve accomplished. Well, the truth is that sort of backfired and now I’m a blubbering mess and I should just go to bed instead of writing this, but here we are.

But rather than continue to harp on the emotional aspect that continues to weigh me down, I’m going to force myself to take a different approach.

So, tonight, I’m writing for me. I’m making a list of all the things I can think of that I’ve accomplished in the last 9 months while simultaneously battling cancer.

- I showed up to work every day (except treatment and scan days) and put my best foot forward

- I took 61 spin classes

- I went to Disneyland with some of my best friends

- I created this blog and platform to hopefully help build awareness around #notjustskincancer

- I tried at least 8 new sunscreens

- I started swimming again

- I took a mini-vacation to Colorado

- I register for (and walked) my first 5K

- I had 10 infusion treatments

- I took probably 200+ photos/videos of Zazu

- I started and finished a lot of puzzles

- I wrote 28 blog posts about what it’s like living with stage four cancer (!!)

- I installed new flooring in my house (with mega help from Dad)

- I spent 9 days in the hospital and felt like a lab experiment

- I shot a gun for the first time

- I turned 30

- I had 6 brain MRIs and 5 heart MRIs

- I met new people and made new friends

- I got out of bed every. single. day. (well, except for those days I was in the hospital, but that doesn’t count)

- I fought (and continue to fight) cancer

I am such a big believer in having a positive mindset and approach. But, it’s so exhausting to challenge and shift your own perspective all the time. I feel like I’m stuck, but this list (as silly as it seems) really reminded me to give myself some more credit.

So please excuse me while I pat myself on the back for a hot second 😉.


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