As part of this blog, I committed to writing about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well, today was down right ugly. Not going to lie, I feel pretty vulnerable writing this all out there, but I’ve always been overly honest.
Something happened at work today that triggered some sort of emotional spiral. Currently it’s 10pm and I’ve been crying since I left the office at 4. To be honest, I’m not sure how I have any tears left.
For those that don’t know, I’ve worked for a digital marketing agency for the last 7 years. I started as an intern after college and worked my way up to a leadership role. Work has always been a HUGE priority for me. I’ve poured my heart and soul into what I do and I love it. I’m fiercely loyal to the agency and insanely passionate about what we do.
Today, I felt like I was smacked in the face with the reality of just how absent I’ve been forced to be for the last 4 months. For probably the first time in my young-adult life, work isn’t #1 for me and I feel like I have a bit of an identity crisis. I know what you’re thinking — “Duh! It shouldn’t be! You need to take care of you!” And you’re not wrong.
But today, I felt like I went from being the “go-to” person to an unreliable blob. I’m sure my coworkers will tell you differently, but it’s how I feel. The worst part about it — I can’t control any of it. (I’m a bit of a control freak when it comes to my professional life 😉) Now, I’m at the mercy of Mayo’s scheduling team. I’ve been so consumed by appointments for the last 4 months that I feel like I’ve lost a piece of me in all the chaos.
God bless this company and my team because they didn’t even hesitate when I was diagnosed, hospitalized, or out of the office for scans and infusions. I feel like most people who are going through what I’m going through are also fearful of losing their job and/or health insurance. I can honestly say that has never been a concern of mine. I know they have my back and I never, ever questioned it.
I think that I’ve finally been feeling relatively normal and more like myself and I want things to be “normal.” But they’re so far from normal. And the fear of the unknown makes it feel like it’s impossible to commit. I know the “show must go on” but I still want to be a part of it.