The other night I had a full blown meltdown. Writing about it now almost seems comical because it was so dang ridiculous. But here we go…
Dan and I came back from my parents’ house after visiting and having dinner with them. While cleaning my house earlier that day, I noticed my kitchen sink was leaking. I mentioned this to my Dad and he gave us a couple ideas of what to do to fix it. Dan, of course, was willing to help so we went back home to investigate the issue. (I clearly am not helpful, cause I was just showing my dad the sound effects it was making haha).
Well, we got back to my house and realized the hose was cracked and needed to be replaced. I tried to find what I needed on Amazon because I’m an instant gratification kind of person but very quickly became frustrated with my options. My normal, happy, positive mood turned very sour, very quickly. I kind of decided that I was just going to be grumpy for a bit and figure it out later. Or so I thought 😉 Instead, I was folding and putting away laundry (one of my least favorite things to do, but I had to so I could clear my bed and go to sleep) and there was a moth on one of my jackets. I brought it into the bathroom to get rid of it and it flew away. So, I tried to catch it and ended up knocking down my shower rod and curtain and couldn’t put it back up. This all sounds funny and like something out of a movie, but I burst into tears and it wasn’t very funny at all. Dan came in and I just kept saying “everything is falling apart and I need help.”
He tried to calm me down but I wanted nothing to do with it. Rationally I knew I was being SO freaking ridiculous, but I couldn’t control my emotions and the tears streaming down my face. Dan didn’t understand how I can have it so together all the time about these huge things and simply fall apart at the dumbest, most fixable things. To be honest, I don’t quite get it either. I was a mess!
I think it boils down to wanting control of things and an immediate fix for the broken things (I for sure get this trait from my Dad). I am one million percent a control freak and had no control over my cancer diagnosis and all things associated with it. That’s very hard for me to process sometimes and it comes out in the a) weirdest ways and b) when I least expect it. Thanks to Cancer, I have a laundry list of things that I don’t have any control over:
Let’s start with the simple fact that I can’t control that I have cancer.
I can’t control how long treatment will be.
I can’t control the effectiveness of my treatment and how my body will react.
I can’t control the treatment side effects, like being hospitalized for an extended period of time or a case of the surprise barfs.
I can’t control the fact that my PTO for the year is almost entirely consumed by doctor visits, treatment and scans. Oh joy!
I can’t control how much these things cost and how that was the last thing I wanted to spend my money on.
And apparently I can’t control if/when these feelings come out and cause a meltdown.
This all sounds negative and I don’t mean for it to. But, it is a glimpse into some of the thoughts inside my brain. I think I do a pretty decent job of keeping those thoughts under wraps, but sometimes it’s the unexpected little things that bring them to the surface. Then, all of a sudden these little things seem no-so-little at all and make me feel like the world is falling apart. I recognize that sounds like the most dramatic statement ever, but it’s the truth.